Because fathers are important too

Have you ever thought about asking the man you are dating if he has ever had his baby aborted or experienced a miscarriage? Of late this song Nerea has been on my mind because I finally got to listen to it some few days ago, which brought me to the thought. As women we have become very empowered with decisions regarding our bodies. When a woman decides to have an abortion is the man’s opinion ever sought? Does a man have a say in the abortion decision? Yes it is your body. But it is his baby. When a miscarriage happens, is there a support group for dads? Are we even able to recognize the signs of post abortion trauma in men? Is there a support group for men who suffer from post abortion trauma?

What goes through a man’s mind when his partner informs him she’s pregnant? While fatherhood is instinctual, it has to be learnt. Motherhood comes a bit more naturally. The moment you see the positive sign on that test and your ob/gyn confirms you are indeed pregnant, your life has changed forever. If you are the drinking and smoking type, you have to give up alcohol and cigarettes immediately. If you are a party animal, no more dancing till the sun comes up. Your body starts to change especially the fatigue you get in the first trimester, the weight gain, if you unlucky the morning sickness. Suddenly you have this person taking over your body, competing for nutrients and energy. Soon you start to feel the kicking even at odd hours of the night and you realize, your life is no longer your own. By the time the baby is born you are so used to making sacrifices and being uncomfortable you hardly notice it. Now for men you do not have to sacrifice anything till the baby is born. You can keep drinking, partying etc. until the baby is born or you can even keep going even after the baby comes along. The first few months of a baby’s life, she is entirely dependent on mum for life and dad can take a back seat.

While I laud single mothers, I feel choosing to become a single mother is utterly selfish. The single mothers who deliberately choose to do it alone. I am talking about the single woman who felt her biological clock was ticking, took matters into her own hands and had a baby with a ‘friend’ then agreed or forced the guy to give up his parental rights. I am talking about the single woman who had a one-night stand and would not look for the guy and inform him of his pending fatherhood status, she instead figured “I can do this on my own”. I am talking about the single woman who went to a sperm bank and had an insemination because her time was up. I am talking about the single woman or divorcee who is now too busy ‘punishing’ the guy by denying him access to see his child because he hurt her so bad and what better way to get even than deny him the joy of fatherhood.

There are single mothers by circumstances (death, abuse, he refused to take responsibility etc.). That is not who my post is about today. There are also single fathers by circumstance who nobody ever mentions on Mother’s day for playing the double role of mum and dad. Heck in our society only women matter thanks to gender equality. While I am pro-gender equality, I think gender equality is the root of all our problems. In fact using the word gender is the reason we have become numb to our differences and similarities as men and women. The correct word we should use is sex. Male and female. You need male and female, ovum and sperm to sire a child.

I am lucky that both my parents are alive. As a child I remember my father teaching me how to ride a bike, pick passion fruits from the strange passion vine that grew behind our house, drive car tyres with sticks, dig up cassavas; he even taught me how to play Msogoro (a game that involved a tin, maize cobs and stones). Now in the same period my mother bought me dolls, taught me how to comb my hair and hold it in pigtails, basic cooking and setting a table for a meal. Fast forward to teenage and dad would not let me walk out of the house in tight jeans while mum was a bit more accommodative of my fashion styles. Thanks to Dad, I have a healthy sense of adventure, risk taking, self-worth and great self-esteem. There is something about the awkward moments when he acknowledges I look great after agonizing hours at the salon. Thanks to Mom I am in touch with my emotions, independent, strong and fun. There is something about her telling me to stop worrying so much.

It is marriage and parenting that makes you realize that men and women are made to complement each other. We scream that ‘what a man can do, a woman can do too’. There are a lot of things I am naturally good at as a woman; that no matter how much a man tried he can’t be as good and vice versa. So no matter how hard I try I cannot think like a man, I cannot act like a man, I cannot become a man, I cannot be a husband and most importantly I cannot be a dad. Why? Because I am a woman. I can only love like a woman. I can only provide motherly love. He is a man. He can only love like a man and provide fatherly love. A mother cannot love like a father and a father cannot love like a mother.

So to all the single mums by choice, parenthood is not about you. Parenthood is about what is best for the child. Why deny your child fatherly love? You cannot decide it’s your time to be a mom and hence dad and men in general can kiss your ass. If you are contemplating being a single mom the modern way, aka sperm rob, sperm agreement, sperm bank etc… just ask yourself is it really worth bringing in another fatherless child into this world? You really want to be a mom and have so much love to give? Adopt, that way you create a solution not a problem. If you are a single mom and the guy wants to get involved why be self-centered? Fathers are important. Daughters need their fathers and sons need their fathers. So stop being selfish and get a working plan that enables your child to be able to see their dad. Do not allow your child to be caught up in the middle of your shenanigans, they are innocent. You cannot be mum and dad: you can’t love like dad. You can only be mum because (I hate to burst your bubble) you are a woman. So take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. Is it really worth it? Will you really be happy when your child is teased about being fatherless when you had or have the power to prevent it? Will you be happy when his heart breaks every Father’s day because he is reminded of his longing for a father’s guidance when you refused dad to be a part of your lives? Will you be happy when she has baggage and is looking for a father figure in her dates when you had the power to prevent it? You cannot and will never love like a father. You do not have to be with him, but let go of all the pain, get off your high horse, swallow your pride and let him be a part of his or her life if he is willing and wants to be a dad.

PS: This Father’s day I want to applaud all the single dads out there. The dads who fought tooth and nail to be part of their children lives even if it meant lengthy and expensive court cases. The dads who prevented and spoke up against an abortion and are now grateful they did. The guy who called her out on her bullshit when she wanted to do it alone and came up with a working plan. The guy who fought for custody to prevent his children from being raised by an abusive and negligent mother. The single guy who recognizes fatherhood begins in the womb and goes for those prenatal visits and is empowering himself with knowledge on what to expect when labour kicks in and bundle of joy arrives. Even though it doesn’t come as easily; it’s worth it. Happy Father’s Day. 

#jobhuntingtings coz I lacked a better title

“Dear Hiring Manager, I am writing to apply for the position of…” Well the number of times I have written a cover letter, modified my CV just to fit a job description, company mission, vision, core values etc and look like the perfect candidate is slightly over 200 times I think. If you went the extra mile and checked LinkedIn, your salutation is more like “Dear Ms. Marangi” because you are a research guru and you know that Ms. Marangi is the HR in this company and who doesn’t love being addressed personally? After all it’s all about standing out from the thousands of candidates.

You soon forget all about the application and one day when checking your email there it is: ‘Dear Adera, we are pleased to inform you that you have succeeded through our initial process and are pleased to invite you for an aptitude test at 10 a.m. in our offices on Thursday. We are located on 4^th floor Mashinani Plaza County Road.’ You heart skips a beat. Well this is it Adera, light at the end of the tunnel. It’s Tuesday so you still have time to practice for the aptitude and get your suit pressed and ready before Kenya Paraffin decide darkness is better than light.

Between Tuesday and Thursday your life is on standstill, your job application rate drops from 7 - 8 per day to zero, after all someone is interested. Now if you lucky, they give you directions so no need for Google maps, if you have no directions, Google maps is your buddy. So you realize County Road is along Kaunti Road which is in Kaunti Area, yes places you had no idea existed. So a bit more information and you establish Kaunti area is next to Kaa Area. Yes Kaa area sounds familiar. Wait a minute, si Ciku lives in Kaa. Next step is to call up Ciku to find out if she has any information on how to get to Mashinani Plaza.

“Sasa Ciku, mambo?”

“Poa sana Adera, kupotea nayo.”

“Mie niko tu, hustle za life tu.”

“Umeget job?”

Your heart sinks a little, when will this question end? If I get a job don’t you think my LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, Whatsapp, Flicker, Google+, Tumblr, Android, Windows, Snapchat and Facebook would be updated? The way you upload photos every minute, you couldn’t possibly miss it. Instead you bite your tongue. After all you don’t want to offend the only person in your network who could know how to get to Mashinani Plaza in County Road along Kaunti Road. So you calmly reply, “Bado, what about you?”

“Bado, but I still have a couple of applications pending, bado niko run up ya Simba league, pia all these CPA firms in Westie want me, alafu pia kuna NGOs mingi mingi bado niko kwa process alafu pia my connections and networks wananitafutia. But now am working for Multinational X part-time. Then kesho niko na interview na one of the Simba league we are going to meet with the partners.”

You remember how the one of Simba league the rejected you after online application and Multinational X turned you down for the contract and you are genuinely proud of your girl. She made it through fire, she is definitely going to go places. Anyway no time to reminisce; you already cried a river, ate lots of ice cream and picked the pieces. “Congratulations Ciku. Proud of you. Anyway do you know which matts go to Kaunti Road?”

“Yea, unaenda wapi kwani?”

“I want to get to County Road along Kaunti Road. To be more specific am going to Mashinani Plaza.”

“If you going to Mashinani just take matt number 231 the ambia konda akushikishe County Road, then the third building on your right, it’s blue in colour, that’s Mashinani Plaza.”

“Thanks, I hope Singh is alright.” So after gushing and giggling about her awesome boyfriend Singh you hang up. One step down, you have established how to get to Mashinani Plaza. Next step is practicing for the aptitude, ensuring your clothes shoes and grooming is top notch. You do not want to disappoint. Come Wednesday 10 p.m. you are ready to sleep and for some strange reason you only did one aptitude test.

Your alarm wakes you at 6 a.m. a little prayer, preparation and by 7:45 a.m you are on your way. After all this is Nairobi and you do not know how nasty the traffic will be. By 9:30 a.m. you are at the gate. You thank your guardian angel for letting you make it on time and after the sign in and bomb inspection, (as if a terrorist would carry a bomb and gun in her hand bag,) you are inside the building. An elevator ride later and you are in the office.

To say the place looks great is an understatement. It is spectacular, the view outside is just beautiful, the glass doors are gleaming and the carpet looks so clean. You can already see yourself working in this office. You are ushered in and the test starts. You have 60 minutes and believe me those are the shortest 60 minutes of your life. “We shall communicate in the course of next week.” The HR announces.

You go back home, you feel a bit off because you have no idea how the aptitude went but you are still hopeful. The next couple of days your phone is always on and fully charged even at night and you are constantly checking your email as if they can communicate over the weekend or call you at 8 p.m. (The struggle is real.) Your job application rate has dropped to one per three days. The anxiety and butterflies cannot allow you to focus on anything.

Finally the call comes through, “Hello Adera? This is Imla. I am calling you from Shina Ltd, we are pleased to inform you that you were successful and we are pleased to invite you for a written interview on Thursday at 9 a.m., will you be available?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Okay, have a lovely day.”

Now written interviews are usually more technical so you brush up on your general knowledge, read up on the company profile, read the latest news and on Thursday you are on your way. The interview turns out to be harder than you imagined all the data you had to manipulate using Powerpoint, Word, Excel and Access and that question on the buying process which you could hardly remember considering you never even specialized in marketing and your last marketing class was way back in 2012 in second year when you were too busy attending classes with a hangover instead of listening to Professor yap about the 4 Ps of marketing. You never thought that stuff mattered. Your morale is on the floor and since you are too broke to afford alcohol Celine Dion on replay will have to do.

On Tuesday the following week, a strange number calls you, you are in the middle of town in a noisy street, so you dash into the nearest restaurant and pick it up. You cannot have a potential employer thinking you are a party animal who starts drinking at 4 p.m. on a Tuesday. “Hello Adera, this is Imla we are pleased to inform you that you were successful therefore we would like to invite you for an interview on Friday at 12 noon.”

“Thank you so much I will be available.” She hangs up after wishing you a nice day. You do some imaginary cartwheels and realize your mother luck is definitely smiling at you. Now, who on earth is Imla in that company? All those faces your mind barely registered, you still cannot figure out who Imla is.

That evening on LinkedIn, you type in Imla Shina Ltd; a profile comes up Imla Hadessa, Talent Acquisition Manager, Shina Ltd. Well clearly she’s going to be part of the interview panel. You then move on to more complicated research and Google everything to do with the company from the News back in 2010 to the CEO, to mission, history, vision etc. you literally have more information than any of the current staff. This goes on for a couple of days till you are satisfied that you know everything like the back of your hand.

Friday you are armed with your hard copy CV, certificates, transcripts, pen and the notebook that has information about your application and about the company. Knowledge is power and you are going to knock that panel off their feet with the knowledge and insight you have. Your emotions are running high and you realize now more than ever you want this job more than anything. You cannot go through another rejection. On your matatu ride to Mashinani Plaza, you go through all your information, you even have an extra pair of shoes in your bag in case your heel breaks (and also for comfort coz let’s face it four inch heels cannot be worn around town by amateurs such as yourself), and wet wipes in case a bird poops on your hair. (What are the chances in Nairobi? With all the skyscrapers and polluted air? A bird would hate it here) You have read too many mishaps on the internet to take chances.

At 12 you are seated in front of a panel of seven and the interview starts. Your answers have definitely gotten better than since you first began and you can’t help but notice how much more confident you have become. You make a mental note about your progress and growth. You are calm, composed and tackle the questions carefully and accurately. Finally it is over; you thank each other and part ways. They promise to communicate on Tuesday. Once outside it hits you that you could have answered “tell us about yourself” question a bit better. Why did you forget to mention your love for marketing and your creative projects? Anyway it is now beyond you. You can only wait until Tuesday.

The whole weekend you are a mess, why are you broke? A great road trip to Nakuru would be great to help take your mind off the interview. You even find yourself fantasizing about working at Shina, but you pace yourself. Road trips to Nakuru, Naivasha, Magadi and Eldoret will be the norm someday. Will Tuesday ever reach? Your emotions swing from high to low. You have been in this state for the past four weeks. Dear Lord, I cannot have another rejection: please let this be it, I am way too invested; emotionally, economically, time-wise, I even like my potential boss Sly.

Tuesday the call comes through, your heart beat is at 1000 per minute. “Hello this is Sly, I am calling to inform you of the outcome of your interview you had with us on Friday.”

“Yes.” You reply calmly trying your best to hide your anxiety. Your fate lies in this minute. This is your make or break moment. All those four weeks, all that month, all the transport, the money, all that research is going to be determined by what she says next. It’s not Imla now, its Sly calling you, Sly the marketing manager, this is the real thing.

“We appreciate your interest, however we found a stronger candidate. Thank you for your time and you can keep applying for more positions that you see advertised. Have a good day.”

“You too, thank you.”

The time, the research, the emotions invested all amounted to this? Why did I have to go through all that? Why a month? Why the heart break after months of emotional investment? Do these people care? Do they know what we go through? Do they know I freeze my job applications every time they raise my hopes? Wouldn’t it better if they delivered bad news faster? Can’t they figure out the best in a day? Do they know how much research I do before applying for a job? Do they know how much research I do before I come for every interview? Do I look like I want experience in interviews or a job experience? Why all those weeks? Why not a day? Why all these stages? Why Lord? What happened to the good old days when an interview was just one day and the panel knew what they had decided? How do these corporate people sleep at night?

Life would be so much easier if interviews were done in a day. Raise your hands if you feel me!!

The proposal

Well the internet has been buzzing with that blogger’s engagement story who got a proposal on Mt. Kenya. I still can’t decide on my feelings about that story but if my boyfriend put a ring in my dessert or went the entire 9 yards and hired a plane or yacht and proposed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, on top of the pyramids or on top of Mt. Everest or got a flash mob to dance out the proposal, I am convinced that I will probably say yes to please him or save him from public humiliation. Being proposed to in such a grand way, puts the lady under pressure and she really can’t say no even though she isn’t ready for marriage, it’s the perfect guarantee to a yes. It’s a bit manipulative, like heck he hired a yacht and helicopter and took you to Burj Al Arab, the only seven star luxury hotel in the world and now you are really going to say no? You have to really not care an ounce for this guy for you to say no, it is effort on all areas of planning: starting with his time, resources; am talking finances, logistics, man power, material, preparing that speech, internet bundles. When you do the math you really can’t turn him down.

The grander the experience the more likely you are to say yes, you know the way exotic places make you all starry eyed and everything just seems perfect? Yes, like if he hired a yacht and took me to Burj Al Arab, well I can come up with ten reasons as to why I would say yes that have got nothing to do with marriage, but I will narrow it down to three. First of all we are in the only seven star hotel, I don’t want him associating such an exotic place with sadness I don’t want to be the woman who rejected him in Burj Al Arab. Two that hotel is simply too gorgeous and I bet the view from that hotel is breath-taking. In that moment away from the daily stresses of life, everything is beautiful; even he is beautiful, you can hardly remember all the things about him that send you screaming into the night. Three well if I say no, he may leave me in that hotel and I don’t have the means or the finances to pay for all that shit and get back home without stress so I’m going to save myself this stress and say yes. See nothing to do with marriage.

I am an idealist and my perfect proposal is just one that happens right there in the middle of life daily routine. I don’t want a proposal on the weekend that we get away to have a vacation. I don’t want a proposal in a restaurant either. I want a proposal on that afternoon when both of us are too lazy to go out and there we are at his place, just playing FIFA or Tekken on PS having fries and out of nowhere the conversation turns really deep and he proposes. At that moment I can really think about marriage and marriage to him. He isn’t dressed up so he looks awful or normal, there is no audience so I don’t have to worry about public humiliation, no audience screaming for me to say yes, no breath-taking scenery nor music in the background to affect my mood, we are in a normal place and he didn’t plan much except buy a ring. In that moment I can really think about marriage and a life with him with no pressure. In that moment my answer will really be genuine. But that is just me.

I know a lot of women love grand, straight-from-the-movies kind of proposals but I think a proposal when you are doing the most normal of things will get you a more honest answer. In fact propose right in Debonairs when you are having pizza or after the Sunday morning service or after Bible study or when walking her home or when you driving and are stuck in traffic or your local joint. I hope you catch my drift. The more normal the activity the more genuine the answer. So what do you think? Grand proposal or normal proposal?

#147isnotjustanumber.

I divert my musings today, and instead focus on something that has really shaken me to the core, the massacre that happened in the Garissa University. I have read the dailies and various on-line posts and the stories that are just heart- wrenching. No -one should ever receive a call from a loved one to listen to their last prayers before they are shot dead. I sympathise with those injured and those currently nursing serious injuries and are in pain, both physical and emotional pain. 22 innocent CU members lost their lives doing the most noble and fulfilling tasks, PRAYING. We have lost would be teachers, accountants, economists, husbands, mothers.... the list is endless.Images of family and friends in mourning have really shaken me and the senseless brutality on innocent comrades, just like me, who lost their lives as they pursued an education,
 an education that would have opened doors to a bright future for them,
 an education that their families spent a fortune on,
 an education they put their hearts into.
is this just senseless brutality, or is it a religious war?? The attacks have left many if not all of us 'comrades' scared stiff, with many of us planning exit and escape strategies should the unthinkable happen in the dead of the night.
Each morning dawns and,
The ONE question I do have is "UNTIL WHEN?"
 Until when will innocent lives be lost in the hands of this terrorists?
Until when will live in fear in our own country?
Until when will we sit back and just move on after such an attack?

UNTIL WHEN??
#147is not justanumber.

Book Review, Promise Me by Harlan Coben

I am a big big fan of Harlan Coben my earlier review on one of his book 'the woods' can attest to that. I stumbled upon on of his other books, Promise Me expecting 'fireworks'. I was however a bit disappointed, the book only captivated me towards the end. I however love how the story ends, a very unexpected twist. here is the plot as explained by Wikipedia.
"It has been six years since entertainment agent Myron Bolitar last played superhero. In six years he hasn’t thrown a punch. He hasn’t held, much less fired, a gun. He hasn’t called his friend Win, still the scariest man he knows, to back him up or get him out of trouble.

All that is about to change... because of a promise.

The school year is almost over. Anxious families await word of college acceptances. In these last pressure-cooker months of high school, some kids will make the all-too-common and all-too-dangerous mistake of drinking and driving. But Myron is determined to help keep his friends’ children safe, and so he makes two neighborhood girls promise him: If they are ever in a bind but are afraid to call their parents, they must call him.

Several nights later, the call comes at 2:00 am, and true to his word, Myron picks up one of the girls, Aimee Biel, in midtown Manhattan and drives her to a quiet cul-de-sac in New Jersey where she says her friend lives.

The next day, the girl’s parents discover that their daughter is missing. And that Myron was the last person to see her. Desperate to fulfill a well-intentioned promise turned nightmarishly wrong, Myron races to find her before she’s gone forever. But his past will not be buried so easily - for trouble has always stalked him, and those he loves are the ones who suffer. Now Myron must decide once and for all who he is and what he will stand up for if he is to have any hope of saving a young girl’s life."

The plot is sourced from Wikipedia, and I have deliberately omitted the last paragraph so as to leave you in suspense. I would give this book a 70% rating and The Woods 97%. its a good read, well worth your time though.

Njoki Chege Musings, What me thinks.

Am an avid newspaper reader ,especially the weekend editions, I spend a greater percentage of my time in the library reading the latest copy, but I digress, in the Saturday Nation, a guy seeking to divorce his wife petitioned the wife to pay him for the dowry he had paid when they were getting married. The court acted in his favor, and asked the wife to pay him half the amount, plus interest.
I'm totally not in support of this,  I mean the minute we divorce I pay you back dowry? Was I an investment plan?? Njoki of course had a lot to say about this, and for once I agreed with her, partly,
The part that really got to me was when she 'outlined' what your husband should do for you, and, wait for it, drumrolls.... pay your rent, buy you a house, a car and service it, pay your Masters degree, give you money to send to your mother (LOL!! DGD!! GOR!!), give you money to buy dresses and shoes, create an emergency fund for you, and the list goes on and on..
The main question I had was is this guy your husband or father or money machine?? that list really baffled me, and I asked myself am I the one underestimating our men or is she expecting too much??
I honestly do not expect my guy to be catering for all my expenses, whether husband or boyfriend. why then will I be working?? to spend all my money on manicures and pedicures and spa treatments?? Buy me a dress once in a while not daily, fuel my car when you use it, and don't pay for my masters, am the one studying, not you. as for sending my mum money, only I can do that, thank you.

To the guys, what will you do in terms of buying and spending for your wives and girlfriends??
To the ladies, am I expecting too little?

Musings of a Catholic girl

Dating as a Roman Catholic is one of the toughest things to do in this modern age. The church has so many teachings and doctrines. Seeing that many Christians embrace “scripture alone” concept, as a catholic it is difficult to explain the concept of tradition, history, magisterium and natural law all as part of teaching. The thing I love about being catholic though, is that it occasionally offers the perfect excuse to blow off guys, especially the ‘savedies’ who have made it their purpose to convert every Catholic they date into a ‘christian’.

The bells in your head are ringing but his handsome face,gentlemanly behavior got you sprung like a puppy; and doesn’t his knowledge of the Bible just make him so much more attractive? It is all fun and games then he declares that Catholics worship idols. 

You get into terminator mode, guns blazing programmed to kill and bury this excuse of a relationship.

“Watch your step brother! How dare you claim that the Holy Mass, which happens to be the highest form of worship on earth, is paganism; what are you implying? That my family and all the 1 billion plus Catholics are pagans? Just because you can quote a few Bible verses you think you are an expert? 

And just so you know this ‘pagan’ church through the Council of Hippo in 393 A.D. gave you that Bible. You are welcome earth! Besides I can’t marry someone who disrespects the Virgin Mary like that.” Does this conversation sound familiar anyone?

Sometimes though you meet that great guy who loves the fact that you go to mass and pray the rosary often. He thinks Saint Joseph is totally cool. He gets your obsession with visiting the Vatican and he respects your view on evolution, salvation and wine. You definitely hit the jackpot girl.

Notice he said wine, not vodka or brandy you idiot!

However there is that extra thing you have to discuss. Green sex. If there is one thing I have struggled with as a catholic is the issue of contraceptives. This is where dating as a catholic becomes complicated. Having to explain to your boyfriend that you have no intention of using pills, IUD, patches, condoms or any form of artificial contraception once you are married is one of the trickiest conversations you will ever have in your life. Please note that you explicitly refused to move into his house before marriage, you have refused to have a civil wedding at the AGs, now "ati no contraceptives?"

“Natural Family Planning,” you calmly reply.

“You mean hiyo story ya kucount safe and unsafe days?” he asks bewildered.

“Not exactly, but close.”

“Si we know exactly how unreliable that is, right? What if we end up with ten kids?”

”I know but science has made it possible for the accuracy levels to be much higher am talking 99% here and besides aren’t we supposed to be open to life?”

“Okay how about withdrawal?”

“No withdrawal either, because to contracept is to willfully exclude the possibility of a conception that could result from a sexual act and withdrawal does exactly that, you have already compromised the integrity of the marital act.”

“Okay so how is Natural Family Planning different?” he asks now completely amused.

“Okay NFP is different coz it allows the act to remain open to the possibility of transmitting new life, which is part of its natural purpose. Besides children are like flowers, you can never have too many of them.”

“So you mean if we don’t want too many flowers we are going to have chill in marriage?”

“Exactly,” you reply excitedly.

 “Interesting,” he replies absentmindedly.

“I know, I can’t wait for us to hustle together, taking temperatures, observing fertility symptoms, keeping a fertility calendar in our bedroom and periods of abstinence when we are dying to have each other,” the excitement all over your voice is palpable.

 You want do a ‘My-boyfriend-is-on-board-with-NFP’ dance but you control yourself instead and make a mental note of the theme of your wedding.

 “Okay,” he says in a flat tone.

“So when we do get engaged, I suggest we start those NFP classes immediately so that by the time we get married, we know we are good to go. We need at least 8 months of practice to know exactly how to go about it and during those 8 months we have to be abstinent for the sake of accuracy.”

“So you can’t compromise on this contraceptive thing?”

“No, you do know the church considers it gravely sinful and besides we have so many methods of NFP that are as good as those artificial ones, furthermore we can’t have as many kids as we want, we are not rabbits. It is prudent to plan our family based on our emotional, social and financial capabilities; if we are to be responsible parents. It’s going to be fun.”

“Okay sweetheart I hear you,” he says and kisses your forehead. You can feel the butterflies and your heart races. You hug him and your heart swells with love for him. This guy gets you. 18 months later and you still have that chemistry. On your matatu ride home, you upload a photo on Instagram of you and bae.

with a battalion of hash tags #myboyfriendisbetterthanyours #trueloveforever #cutie #funtimes #awesomestcouple #javacoffeehouse #pizzawithbae #loveninjas… …etc.

You get home and you feel like cooking something new. Looking through your recipe book and you settle for Chicken Creole; it apparently only takes 20 minutes to cook and it sure does look good.

 It’s now 8 p.m. and you are in the kitchen preparing your ingredients. You can’t wait to be done, take a picture and send to bae via Whatsapp flaunting your culinary skills. After all how many women does he know who can make chicken creole and perfect round chapatis? He’s going to be so lucky to have you as a wife. Your phone buzzes, it’s a text from him. You can’t help but think how in-sync you are because he was also thinking about you. You open the text:

“Hi after much thought I decided that your demands are too much, I want to be able to have sex in marriage, whenever I want. The idea of chilling most of our married life since the unsafe days outweigh the safe days doesn’t appeal to me very much. I am so sorry to do this. Wish you the very best.”

Yes, who said being catholic is easy? Just because we like to drink wine moderately doesn't make it easy.

Note: This article is intended for entertainment purposes only and should by no means be used as an explanation of the Roman Catholic faith and morality of the issues discussed.

Of 50 Shades of Grey and the numbers game

So Valentine’s weekend was the premier of 50 Shades of Grey, the movie. The movie set up two very opposing camps. Those who termed the movie sick and twisted; my Facebook timeline was filled with these. I saw blogs about how the movie set behind the fight for gender equality, how the movie misrepresents love, 10 reasons I will not watch 50 shades of grey among many others I will not bother to get into right now. On the opposing side are those who termed the movie as “harmless”, “flirtatious” or “fun”. There are enough blogs on that too.

When 50 shades of Grey was first published I was keen on getting a copy myself. Most of my girlfriends were praising this book and I was tired of being left out of the conversation. Now if you know me, you know there is nothing I love more than a good book, a hot cup of tea and my duvet on a weekend. So when I finally had the trilogy in soft copy, I was beyond delighted. I have a rule for filtering out a good book from a bad book; if it is still terrible at Chapter 8, it is a terrible book. It had terrible prose, bad dialogue and do not get me started on Ana’s inner goddess.

By the time I got to chapter 8, I knew the storyline was pathetic and not worth my time. I however attempted to read past chapter 8 till 12. By then I was so irritated that I just hit the shift and delete button on my computer and tried to wrap my head on how such a lousy book made it to be a best seller. So I searched Google for the plot. I was curious, perhaps I had bad taste or I missed something. The search results just confirmed my fears; if it wasn’t for all the explicit content this book would not have seen the light of day let alone getting published.

Our generation needs to start reading. I am talking Jane Austen, Shakespeare, Chinua Achebe and Harper Lee among other great authors. Blogs and newspapers are not literature, they are just articles. Get off the social networks and nourish your mind. Why you need to upload a #selfie and #groundie of you doing absolutely nothing, beats me. I am hundred percent sure that if it was not for the social networks, the 50 shades trilogy would not have gotten published let alone make it to best seller status. That woman had major life crisis, she spilled her crisis on the internet and became a billionaire thanks to this hash-tagging and trolling business.

I am however appalled by the need of majority of women to label 50 shades as a love story or romance. The closest label I ever seen to what exactly it is, is “mommy porn”. Why is it even called “mommy porn”? Does the label make the book less of what it is? If you ask me what the book is, I will call it a poorly written work of pornography or erotica. Now I do not know the difference between erotica and pornography but someone used a metaphor of feather versus the whole chicken and another said the difference is in the level of lighting and another said it depends with your taste. I however do not believe in the erotic-pornography continuum, it either intends to sexually stimulate or otherwise; simple.

Back to 50 shades, this is not a review of the book or the movie, I am more interested in why women want to hide behind the love story label. Why are women afraid of owning up to their sexuality? If a man watches porn, it’s normal but when a woman watches porn the whole world is horrified. Explains our hypocrisy about 50 Shades and the insistence to have a movie produced under the genre of ‘chic-flick’ or romance. It even explains why there are few to zero ministries to help women deal with pornography addiction. Women apparently do not struggle with the disorders of lust. Lust is a man’s problem. If I read another hypocritical blog about 50 Shades being sick and twisted or it being harmless fun, I will just flip. It is porn and it is exactly how porn is supposed to be. No grey areas about it, pun intended.

Women just like men are human beings and sexuality is an aspect of being human. While women are encouraged to be chaste, men are encouraged to explore their sexuality and gain as much experience as possible. Why the double standard dear society? It is a badge of honour for a man to have bedded half the town but a shame for a woman to have done the same. This is pretence of the highest level. Why society, why?
With women, your sexual experience is the definition of your character. A virgin is mostly considered a better woman than one who has slept with too many men. It doesn’t matter if the said virgin is a gossip, mean, pompous, rude among other negative things while the other woman is kind, empathetic, and humble among other positive things. Because of their sexual experience their character is decided in the eyes of majority. Even in 50 Shades Ana, the lead female was a virgin and Grey, the lead male had a vast history of sexual experience. Why couldn’t it be vice versa or just let Ana have experience too? It just goes on to perpetuate the double standard lie of virginity.

There is nothing that annoys me more than the numbers game. ‘The master key and crappy padlock’ metaphor to explain the differences in sexual values among men and women. Whoever came up with that needs to be beaten up. If you are not familiar with it, do not bother knowing what it is. I do not want your values corrupted. Women need to watch their number of sexual partners but for men who cares about numbers right. Too many partners and you will be termed “spoilt goods”, “easy” or “loose”. Why were these terms invented? Recently, I asked a girlfriend of mine why women should observe the ‘famous’ 90-day rule. She said to protect herself. Protect herself from what exactly? She calmly replied, from sleeping with the wrong guy. Who is the wrong guy? The guy who does not love her. So it’s okay to sleep with the man who loves you but there is a problem if a woman has a friend-with-benefits or a one night stand? So why isn’t there a 90-day rule for men? If you ask me, the 90-day rule is the most foolish thing I have ever heard in my lifetime. According to scientific evidence infatuation lasts for four months; so if the guy was only infatuated with you, will 90 days make him suddenly fall in love with you? I doubt it. If he was planning to “hit it and quit it”, I highly doubt 90 days will make a difference. The 90-day rule is just part of the numbers hullabaloo. What is it with men and asking about a woman's sexual history? will it make you feel better that there was only one guy before you or do you seriously expect a thrill-seeking, beautiful, extremely liberal, single woman past the age of 30 to have only slept with three guys since her first experience at 18? Take it from me: if she is past the age of 25, do not ask, you do not want to know.

As women we need to stop calling other women whores, unless it is her profession. If we women call other women whores, won’t it not give men the right to do so? Your sexual values are personal and that is between you and your creator. Do not impose them on others. You believe in waiting until marriage, good for you. Do not call other women whores because they choose otherwise. So you have had numerous FWBs, do not call other women prudes or uptight because they are not as liberal as you are. So you only have sex when you are in a relationship, do not frown upon her choice to have casual sex. A woman’s sexuality and sexual choices is her business. Women just like men are more than their sexual choices. Our sexuality as human beings is something personal and we should keep it that way. The point of this rant is, sexuality just like religion is universal, there should be no double standards about it. An atheist, muslim, christian, hindu or agnostic is such whether man or woman. If we are going to use labels let the rules apply to both men and women. So ladies can we agree that 50 Shades of Grey is not a love story?

Work versus Family.

A while back our group leader asked us to post something about work and family, it’s been a while, (sorry) so here goes my thoughts about it,

Am at a point of my life where my time is balanced between doing a very tasking management research paper, doing a couple of assignments and continuous assessment tests, and the major stressing bit, applying for jobs. This has got to be the most stressing moment in my life, sending your CV everywhere until one of my good friends joked that our job should be stated as “kazi yangu ni kutafuta kazi” loosely translated to mean “my job is looking for a job”. Really hoping that I do get that job, you know THE JOB!!

I do have other dreams though, of getting married to a blah blah blah you probably know those qualities by now, from my previous story, (remember Maxwell??) and having 3 or 4 beautiful kids. The problem is I don’t want to be that woman who is getting kids way past 40 years (no offense) just cause of a career. Sure I want a fabulous career, scale the corporate ladder and run a successful enterprise, but then again at what cost??

Let me digress just a little bit and give a story about me growing up. My dad (RIP) was a banker, later got to learn he was a credit officer at National Bank of Kenya, and he was a one busy individual. He would leave very early in the morning and would come back home late in the night. Was it work it?? On one hand, money was not a problem, anything you wanted was available, food, trips, cash anything you name it, it was available. However this came at a cost, very heavy cost, he was never ever available. I rarely saw him and I missed his fatherly in my life. I was pretty young and I often asked why I didn’t get to see him as much as I wanted and why he was never there.

A friend of mine argued that we need money, but I beg to differ money is something, that I do not dispute, but it is not everything.  Money can get you a house not a home, money can get you an education but not knowledge and wisdom. I may be the CEO or CFO or those other many titles that I may possess, but if I go home to any empty house with only a cat to keep me company, then my life will not be complete in any way. I may have all the wealth on this earth but with no heirs to my wealth? It will all be vanity.

I desire that my children will get to spend one on one time with me, that I will get to play and jump around with my children. I desire to spend a lot of time with my children especially in their young and formative years.

If it means staying at home with my kids for some time as a stay at home mum, that I will do.

For me, family and only family comes first.