Because fathers are important too

Have you ever thought about asking the man you are dating if he has ever had his baby aborted or experienced a miscarriage? Of late this song Nerea has been on my mind because I finally got to listen to it some few days ago, which brought me to the thought. As women we have become very empowered with decisions regarding our bodies. When a woman decides to have an abortion is the man’s opinion ever sought? Does a man have a say in the abortion decision? Yes it is your body. But it is his baby. When a miscarriage happens, is there a support group for dads? Are we even able to recognize the signs of post abortion trauma in men? Is there a support group for men who suffer from post abortion trauma?

What goes through a man’s mind when his partner informs him she’s pregnant? While fatherhood is instinctual, it has to be learnt. Motherhood comes a bit more naturally. The moment you see the positive sign on that test and your ob/gyn confirms you are indeed pregnant, your life has changed forever. If you are the drinking and smoking type, you have to give up alcohol and cigarettes immediately. If you are a party animal, no more dancing till the sun comes up. Your body starts to change especially the fatigue you get in the first trimester, the weight gain, if you unlucky the morning sickness. Suddenly you have this person taking over your body, competing for nutrients and energy. Soon you start to feel the kicking even at odd hours of the night and you realize, your life is no longer your own. By the time the baby is born you are so used to making sacrifices and being uncomfortable you hardly notice it. Now for men you do not have to sacrifice anything till the baby is born. You can keep drinking, partying etc. until the baby is born or you can even keep going even after the baby comes along. The first few months of a baby’s life, she is entirely dependent on mum for life and dad can take a back seat.

While I laud single mothers, I feel choosing to become a single mother is utterly selfish. The single mothers who deliberately choose to do it alone. I am talking about the single woman who felt her biological clock was ticking, took matters into her own hands and had a baby with a ‘friend’ then agreed or forced the guy to give up his parental rights. I am talking about the single woman who had a one-night stand and would not look for the guy and inform him of his pending fatherhood status, she instead figured “I can do this on my own”. I am talking about the single woman who went to a sperm bank and had an insemination because her time was up. I am talking about the single woman or divorcee who is now too busy ‘punishing’ the guy by denying him access to see his child because he hurt her so bad and what better way to get even than deny him the joy of fatherhood.

There are single mothers by circumstances (death, abuse, he refused to take responsibility etc.). That is not who my post is about today. There are also single fathers by circumstance who nobody ever mentions on Mother’s day for playing the double role of mum and dad. Heck in our society only women matter thanks to gender equality. While I am pro-gender equality, I think gender equality is the root of all our problems. In fact using the word gender is the reason we have become numb to our differences and similarities as men and women. The correct word we should use is sex. Male and female. You need male and female, ovum and sperm to sire a child.

I am lucky that both my parents are alive. As a child I remember my father teaching me how to ride a bike, pick passion fruits from the strange passion vine that grew behind our house, drive car tyres with sticks, dig up cassavas; he even taught me how to play Msogoro (a game that involved a tin, maize cobs and stones). Now in the same period my mother bought me dolls, taught me how to comb my hair and hold it in pigtails, basic cooking and setting a table for a meal. Fast forward to teenage and dad would not let me walk out of the house in tight jeans while mum was a bit more accommodative of my fashion styles. Thanks to Dad, I have a healthy sense of adventure, risk taking, self-worth and great self-esteem. There is something about the awkward moments when he acknowledges I look great after agonizing hours at the salon. Thanks to Mom I am in touch with my emotions, independent, strong and fun. There is something about her telling me to stop worrying so much.

It is marriage and parenting that makes you realize that men and women are made to complement each other. We scream that ‘what a man can do, a woman can do too’. There are a lot of things I am naturally good at as a woman; that no matter how much a man tried he can’t be as good and vice versa. So no matter how hard I try I cannot think like a man, I cannot act like a man, I cannot become a man, I cannot be a husband and most importantly I cannot be a dad. Why? Because I am a woman. I can only love like a woman. I can only provide motherly love. He is a man. He can only love like a man and provide fatherly love. A mother cannot love like a father and a father cannot love like a mother.

So to all the single mums by choice, parenthood is not about you. Parenthood is about what is best for the child. Why deny your child fatherly love? You cannot decide it’s your time to be a mom and hence dad and men in general can kiss your ass. If you are contemplating being a single mom the modern way, aka sperm rob, sperm agreement, sperm bank etc… just ask yourself is it really worth bringing in another fatherless child into this world? You really want to be a mom and have so much love to give? Adopt, that way you create a solution not a problem. If you are a single mom and the guy wants to get involved why be self-centered? Fathers are important. Daughters need their fathers and sons need their fathers. So stop being selfish and get a working plan that enables your child to be able to see their dad. Do not allow your child to be caught up in the middle of your shenanigans, they are innocent. You cannot be mum and dad: you can’t love like dad. You can only be mum because (I hate to burst your bubble) you are a woman. So take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. Is it really worth it? Will you really be happy when your child is teased about being fatherless when you had or have the power to prevent it? Will you be happy when his heart breaks every Father’s day because he is reminded of his longing for a father’s guidance when you refused dad to be a part of your lives? Will you be happy when she has baggage and is looking for a father figure in her dates when you had the power to prevent it? You cannot and will never love like a father. You do not have to be with him, but let go of all the pain, get off your high horse, swallow your pride and let him be a part of his or her life if he is willing and wants to be a dad.

PS: This Father’s day I want to applaud all the single dads out there. The dads who fought tooth and nail to be part of their children lives even if it meant lengthy and expensive court cases. The dads who prevented and spoke up against an abortion and are now grateful they did. The guy who called her out on her bullshit when she wanted to do it alone and came up with a working plan. The guy who fought for custody to prevent his children from being raised by an abusive and negligent mother. The single guy who recognizes fatherhood begins in the womb and goes for those prenatal visits and is empowering himself with knowledge on what to expect when labour kicks in and bundle of joy arrives. Even though it doesn’t come as easily; it’s worth it. Happy Father’s Day. 

#jobhuntingtings coz I lacked a better title

“Dear Hiring Manager, I am writing to apply for the position of…” Well the number of times I have written a cover letter, modified my CV just to fit a job description, company mission, vision, core values etc and look like the perfect candidate is slightly over 200 times I think. If you went the extra mile and checked LinkedIn, your salutation is more like “Dear Ms. Marangi” because you are a research guru and you know that Ms. Marangi is the HR in this company and who doesn’t love being addressed personally? After all it’s all about standing out from the thousands of candidates.

You soon forget all about the application and one day when checking your email there it is: ‘Dear Adera, we are pleased to inform you that you have succeeded through our initial process and are pleased to invite you for an aptitude test at 10 a.m. in our offices on Thursday. We are located on 4^th floor Mashinani Plaza County Road.’ You heart skips a beat. Well this is it Adera, light at the end of the tunnel. It’s Tuesday so you still have time to practice for the aptitude and get your suit pressed and ready before Kenya Paraffin decide darkness is better than light.

Between Tuesday and Thursday your life is on standstill, your job application rate drops from 7 - 8 per day to zero, after all someone is interested. Now if you lucky, they give you directions so no need for Google maps, if you have no directions, Google maps is your buddy. So you realize County Road is along Kaunti Road which is in Kaunti Area, yes places you had no idea existed. So a bit more information and you establish Kaunti area is next to Kaa Area. Yes Kaa area sounds familiar. Wait a minute, si Ciku lives in Kaa. Next step is to call up Ciku to find out if she has any information on how to get to Mashinani Plaza.

“Sasa Ciku, mambo?”

“Poa sana Adera, kupotea nayo.”

“Mie niko tu, hustle za life tu.”

“Umeget job?”

Your heart sinks a little, when will this question end? If I get a job don’t you think my LinkedIn, Instagram, Twitter, Whatsapp, Flicker, Google+, Tumblr, Android, Windows, Snapchat and Facebook would be updated? The way you upload photos every minute, you couldn’t possibly miss it. Instead you bite your tongue. After all you don’t want to offend the only person in your network who could know how to get to Mashinani Plaza in County Road along Kaunti Road. So you calmly reply, “Bado, what about you?”

“Bado, but I still have a couple of applications pending, bado niko run up ya Simba league, pia all these CPA firms in Westie want me, alafu pia kuna NGOs mingi mingi bado niko kwa process alafu pia my connections and networks wananitafutia. But now am working for Multinational X part-time. Then kesho niko na interview na one of the Simba league we are going to meet with the partners.”

You remember how the one of Simba league the rejected you after online application and Multinational X turned you down for the contract and you are genuinely proud of your girl. She made it through fire, she is definitely going to go places. Anyway no time to reminisce; you already cried a river, ate lots of ice cream and picked the pieces. “Congratulations Ciku. Proud of you. Anyway do you know which matts go to Kaunti Road?”

“Yea, unaenda wapi kwani?”

“I want to get to County Road along Kaunti Road. To be more specific am going to Mashinani Plaza.”

“If you going to Mashinani just take matt number 231 the ambia konda akushikishe County Road, then the third building on your right, it’s blue in colour, that’s Mashinani Plaza.”

“Thanks, I hope Singh is alright.” So after gushing and giggling about her awesome boyfriend Singh you hang up. One step down, you have established how to get to Mashinani Plaza. Next step is practicing for the aptitude, ensuring your clothes shoes and grooming is top notch. You do not want to disappoint. Come Wednesday 10 p.m. you are ready to sleep and for some strange reason you only did one aptitude test.

Your alarm wakes you at 6 a.m. a little prayer, preparation and by 7:45 a.m you are on your way. After all this is Nairobi and you do not know how nasty the traffic will be. By 9:30 a.m. you are at the gate. You thank your guardian angel for letting you make it on time and after the sign in and bomb inspection, (as if a terrorist would carry a bomb and gun in her hand bag,) you are inside the building. An elevator ride later and you are in the office.

To say the place looks great is an understatement. It is spectacular, the view outside is just beautiful, the glass doors are gleaming and the carpet looks so clean. You can already see yourself working in this office. You are ushered in and the test starts. You have 60 minutes and believe me those are the shortest 60 minutes of your life. “We shall communicate in the course of next week.” The HR announces.

You go back home, you feel a bit off because you have no idea how the aptitude went but you are still hopeful. The next couple of days your phone is always on and fully charged even at night and you are constantly checking your email as if they can communicate over the weekend or call you at 8 p.m. (The struggle is real.) Your job application rate has dropped to one per three days. The anxiety and butterflies cannot allow you to focus on anything.

Finally the call comes through, “Hello Adera? This is Imla. I am calling you from Shina Ltd, we are pleased to inform you that you were successful and we are pleased to invite you for a written interview on Thursday at 9 a.m., will you be available?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Okay, have a lovely day.”

Now written interviews are usually more technical so you brush up on your general knowledge, read up on the company profile, read the latest news and on Thursday you are on your way. The interview turns out to be harder than you imagined all the data you had to manipulate using Powerpoint, Word, Excel and Access and that question on the buying process which you could hardly remember considering you never even specialized in marketing and your last marketing class was way back in 2012 in second year when you were too busy attending classes with a hangover instead of listening to Professor yap about the 4 Ps of marketing. You never thought that stuff mattered. Your morale is on the floor and since you are too broke to afford alcohol Celine Dion on replay will have to do.

On Tuesday the following week, a strange number calls you, you are in the middle of town in a noisy street, so you dash into the nearest restaurant and pick it up. You cannot have a potential employer thinking you are a party animal who starts drinking at 4 p.m. on a Tuesday. “Hello Adera, this is Imla we are pleased to inform you that you were successful therefore we would like to invite you for an interview on Friday at 12 noon.”

“Thank you so much I will be available.” She hangs up after wishing you a nice day. You do some imaginary cartwheels and realize your mother luck is definitely smiling at you. Now, who on earth is Imla in that company? All those faces your mind barely registered, you still cannot figure out who Imla is.

That evening on LinkedIn, you type in Imla Shina Ltd; a profile comes up Imla Hadessa, Talent Acquisition Manager, Shina Ltd. Well clearly she’s going to be part of the interview panel. You then move on to more complicated research and Google everything to do with the company from the News back in 2010 to the CEO, to mission, history, vision etc. you literally have more information than any of the current staff. This goes on for a couple of days till you are satisfied that you know everything like the back of your hand.

Friday you are armed with your hard copy CV, certificates, transcripts, pen and the notebook that has information about your application and about the company. Knowledge is power and you are going to knock that panel off their feet with the knowledge and insight you have. Your emotions are running high and you realize now more than ever you want this job more than anything. You cannot go through another rejection. On your matatu ride to Mashinani Plaza, you go through all your information, you even have an extra pair of shoes in your bag in case your heel breaks (and also for comfort coz let’s face it four inch heels cannot be worn around town by amateurs such as yourself), and wet wipes in case a bird poops on your hair. (What are the chances in Nairobi? With all the skyscrapers and polluted air? A bird would hate it here) You have read too many mishaps on the internet to take chances.

At 12 you are seated in front of a panel of seven and the interview starts. Your answers have definitely gotten better than since you first began and you can’t help but notice how much more confident you have become. You make a mental note about your progress and growth. You are calm, composed and tackle the questions carefully and accurately. Finally it is over; you thank each other and part ways. They promise to communicate on Tuesday. Once outside it hits you that you could have answered “tell us about yourself” question a bit better. Why did you forget to mention your love for marketing and your creative projects? Anyway it is now beyond you. You can only wait until Tuesday.

The whole weekend you are a mess, why are you broke? A great road trip to Nakuru would be great to help take your mind off the interview. You even find yourself fantasizing about working at Shina, but you pace yourself. Road trips to Nakuru, Naivasha, Magadi and Eldoret will be the norm someday. Will Tuesday ever reach? Your emotions swing from high to low. You have been in this state for the past four weeks. Dear Lord, I cannot have another rejection: please let this be it, I am way too invested; emotionally, economically, time-wise, I even like my potential boss Sly.

Tuesday the call comes through, your heart beat is at 1000 per minute. “Hello this is Sly, I am calling to inform you of the outcome of your interview you had with us on Friday.”

“Yes.” You reply calmly trying your best to hide your anxiety. Your fate lies in this minute. This is your make or break moment. All those four weeks, all that month, all the transport, the money, all that research is going to be determined by what she says next. It’s not Imla now, its Sly calling you, Sly the marketing manager, this is the real thing.

“We appreciate your interest, however we found a stronger candidate. Thank you for your time and you can keep applying for more positions that you see advertised. Have a good day.”

“You too, thank you.”

The time, the research, the emotions invested all amounted to this? Why did I have to go through all that? Why a month? Why the heart break after months of emotional investment? Do these people care? Do they know what we go through? Do they know I freeze my job applications every time they raise my hopes? Wouldn’t it better if they delivered bad news faster? Can’t they figure out the best in a day? Do they know how much research I do before applying for a job? Do they know how much research I do before I come for every interview? Do I look like I want experience in interviews or a job experience? Why all those weeks? Why not a day? Why all these stages? Why Lord? What happened to the good old days when an interview was just one day and the panel knew what they had decided? How do these corporate people sleep at night?

Life would be so much easier if interviews were done in a day. Raise your hands if you feel me!!