Daddy's Little Girl.

This is a very emotional post for me, a letter to my dad, tell me what you think....

It has been 7 long painful tough and lonely years without you. I still remember that day very clearly when I was informed that you are no longer with us. I cried so much, much more than I had ever cried in my entire life. It was the saddest day of my life and what pains my heart with each passing day is that I never got a chance to say goodbye, never got a chance to see your last days on this earth, and never got a chance to see your final resting place. I may one day however gather the courage to go and visit your graveside and pay my last respects to you. But what I regret the most? I never got a chance to tell you how much I love you, how proud I am of you. I never got a chance to tell you how every evening I would look forward to seeing you come home from work each day. Most of all I miss your smile, your warm comforting smile, that would assure me all is well, all is well.

Dad, I really miss you, so so much. I really wish you would be here to see me on my graduation day, in my graduation gown and cape having been given the power to read. I really wish you would be here on my wedding day, to walk me down the aisle to hand me over to my prince charming. I really wish you would be here to see my children, your grandchildren. I really wish you were here to see my brother’s son; he is a splitting image of you both in person and personality. I really wish you would be here to see me all grown up and ready to face the world.

I have to move on and learn to live without you, accept that you are gone and will never come back and to be honest it really hurts, a lot. But I pray that the lord will give me strength to accept the fact that you will never come back. Death leaves a memory no one can steal, death leaves a heartache no one can heal.

ANSWERED PRAYERS

Since I was a small kid, I always had a picture of my dream husband, but this person sitting across from me in a restaurant in town was nowhere near that.  My heart was racing and I did not know what to expect.  He was a complete opposite of all dreams, all my prayers plans and ambitions.

George and I had met   in this restaurant   for more than two years and a half.  Today was a different meeting because he was expecting that special answer from me.  That answer that would change our life forever.  The answer that meant whether we would live happily ever after each day being a ride in the roller coaster or whether I it would be a suffering hell for me here on earth.  George had proposed to me nine months ago and I knew and I had stretched his patience to the snapping point yet I had to be sure.  Sure that this would be the dad of my kids.  That my kids would have a loving and supportive father, a man who would be my king and I her queen.  A man I would rely on and depend on wholly.  Nevertheless, I had delayed the answer to him this was not what I had prayed for.

In my dreaming, I had always dreamt marriage to a muscular tall and handsome boy.  The kind of a man who would make my heart melt just by staring at his smooth black shiny hair. A man who has eyes twinkling  like stars in a dark night. I had imagined for a man with so large hands that would easily grip my small waist yet so tender that they would discolor my cute hair by his tender caresses.  I had always prayed for a great singer that soothes me with his sweet voice singing me lullabies late night until I fell asleep in his warm strong arms.  I had imagined myself with a professional accountant, a medical doctor or an engineer.  My picture person as I dreamt him would spark inextinguishable fire and thirst in my mind by simply listening at his knowledge and career dreams.  That had been my prayers to God every night since I was a small girl.

This train of thoughts continued to terrorize my puzzled mind.  I took another sip of hot black coffee.  The weather outside was cold and humid.  And i am busy   viewing my gift pack my answered prayers 

George!!!  He is sitting opposite me smiling sweetly as ever.  He is short and has no any desirable physical beauty.  He is a short person and pitch black.  He wears big round spectacles that lies lazily on his bulbous nose.  His teeth were discolored and he had very rough hands.  George had not proceeded with high school education after failing to do well in the final national examinations. He had been a casual worker and was currently in construction work for my company.

 Though George was not very smart, he was always talking and mostly lecturing.  However, he was very humble harmless kind and big hearted.  This is actually, what had drawn me to him, it had actually started as a joke just like most important things in life.  I had gone to the construction site to supervise the progress of my company’s headquarter in the city’s best suburb.  I had approached the construction site my vehicle’s windscreen had been hit by a building block and shattered.  I busted out of the vehicle cursing and fussing and there was George.  It has been the poor boys silly mistake that had broken my car.

He approached me and smiling apologized to me explaining very faithfully like a puppy what had happened.  It was hard for me to forgive his poor mistake that had shattered my dreams

“Madam, if you find it in you to forgive me I will work my best to ensure your vehicle is repaired” George had said bravely.  Though this man was in the wrong, there was something special with him

“How best would you work to do that?” I yelled at him at the top of my voice attracting the interest of all the workers in the site.George smiled lovingly at me and stepped closer to the car to examine the damage of his mistake. 

“Thank God your vehicle is a left hand drive most probably you would be dead madam you have all reasons to thank him” he said with finality.

I had noted that, the situation was growing embarrassing and I Madam CEO and Founder of Eastern Global Auditors was not going to argue with this fool my lawyer that was going to deal well with him.  I asked another vehicle from the offices and left the damaged there.

I never know what happened there but the same day George came driving my vehicle already repaired and well fixed.  I did not have any word I would say to this sweet young man but after one day, I booked a dinner with him in this same hotel where we were seated.  He was taking my life in a fast wave swift and I was drunk and confused.  Drunk by this lover’s boy love and confused we were not the same “class.” He was always composed and very honest.  I was first changing my life because of this young man’s hypnotizing power.  I already adored him.  He had a special kind of knowledge about the word.  The true meaning of the mysterious book the bible.  He always explained simple but very complex issues.  Something so deep yet to him that flowed with ease.  He was making deep and permanent imprints in my life.  Imprints only him would only erase by living with him.  We continued sharing more time with me.  This construction worker was wise and resourceful yet I had never heard of such in my academia corridors.

It was a paradox how everything moved so swift.  I had started going to church.  I had been baptized and been regenerated.  I had become a close friend to this mysterious man; the more we got close and open to each other the more I was yearning to know him better.  I could  not get enough him  and I vowed to spend the rest of my life close to him as anything else apart from being a couple.  How could a gardener and a master be found in the same page of this book of life??

He had asked me many days ago.  I had delayed the answer for many days.  I knew if I do not act fast, I would lose him.  Yet here I was.  Opposite the man, I knew to be a man.  A man whose yea was yea and his nay was nay!  Yet he was too low in the social ladder to move on with a socialite like me.  This was a man who would be a dad to the child he would father.  I would never have to ‘deadbeat ‘him in the social media. 

Marriage is not about a ring nor a single day glad affair but a lifelong commitment of compassion understanding and happiness for the spouses.  George had been my best happiness for the past one year in my life.  Would I say yes or would I say no?  Kingdoms had been lost by smiles and dimples and so was my career.  The PhD I had was going to make  nice omelets for my "gardener" and burn my hands raising his rather funny looking kids……..

Cook, Clean and Wash??

I never get how some women do it. I am those kinds of women who do not believe in taking up wifely responsibilities unless I am already a wife. By that I mean washing his clothes, cleaning his house, cooking and stocking up his refrigerator with food, having sex, washing the dirty dishes in his sink and picking up after him. Those are things I am supposed to do when I am a wife. I am not saying that I will always refuse to do these when I am dating someone. All I am saying; I will do the above by my terms and conditions. I will cook, clean, wash only if I am in the mood to do so. Not because I am trying to earn bonga points in the dating pool of this man and hope to win the ‘ultimate prize’ of being married to him. There are more important things in life than marriage.

Do not get me wrong I love the institution of marriage and despite all its negative publicity I do hope to get married some day if the Good Lord wills it. A good marriage is the best thing that can happen to anyone. I do believe in the traditional roles of a man and a woman. It is all these ‘gender equality’ business that is ruining marriages. Man and woman will never be equal. We can only have a state of fairness in the society. Anyway back to the issue at hand. The traditional gender roles, yes. That is, the man is head of the house. He is the leader, protector and provider of the house while the woman is the companion who helps him.

“But Jaydra, you cannot expect a man to provide for you while you do absolutely nothing.” Regina one of my girlfriends commented.

“What do you mean by a man providing for me?” I challenged.

“Well, you know like paying for you to go to the salon and get a little bit of pedicure, manicure and hair.”

“Okay first of all Regina I never let a man pay for my salon. I can take care of myself. Furthermore any man who always attempts to provide me with money for the salon I politely decline. He has no business taking care of my appearance if we are not married.”

“Okay, how about when you go out? Who picks up the tab?”

“Mostly he but sometimes I treat him or we go Dutch.”

“How about when you go over to his place, who provides the food?”

“He provides the food, whether it’s take-out or have-to-cook-to-eat.”

“How about when he’s at your place?”

“I do.”

“Who cooks in those cases?”

“Mostly I do, but if he wants to I let him cook.”

“Okay so let me get this straight, you go over to a guy’s place, watch movies, he provides you with food, you cook, have a good time and you still won’t clean his house or clothes.”

“No I wouldn’t. I would only clean his house if it was absolutely filthy and we have to chill out for a while but his clothes hell no. I am not doing that. Besides it is his house and his clothes. I repeat HIS house not OUR house. I have no business cleaning up after him. I will only do all the above when I am his wife.”

“But he is providing for you!”

“Providing for me? How again is he providing for me? Does he pay my rent? No. Does he pay my insurance? No. Is he buying for me property? No. Does he fuel my car? No. Does he pay for my hair? No. My electricity use and water? No. So how exactly is he providing for me? By paying for my meals when we see each other occasionally, that is once a week or once in a fortnight. So that is an implied contract that I should wash his clothes. Regina how many times have I visited you? Did you not pay for my meals or cook for me? Why did you not expect me to wash your clothes or clean up after you?”

“But that is different, he is your boyfriend.”

“Thank you. He is my boyfriend. Key word is boyfriend. Reality is friend is six letters and boy is three letters. That means we should mostly relate as friends and then relate with him as a guy afterwards. If he was a fiancé now maybe we could bend the rules a little. This storo of mamas upgrading themselves to wives before someone has asked you to be his wife is the exact reason women are ending up in situationships. Then you get mad and bitter when after six years of playing wifey, he dumps your ass for a woman who did absolutely none of the above. If you want to play wife be my guest as for me till the guy asks me to be his wife is when I will take up these duties. Till then I stick to my guns and relate as a friend. ”

“You are only saying that because you are young and immature. Wait till you are thirty and everyone is looking at you weird because you are old and single. Believe me then you will play wifey without being asked.” She said laughing with a twinkle in her eye.

“Regina thirty is not the end of life. Like I always say, there are more important things in life other than marriage. I will cook, clean and wash nikitaka. He has not asked me to be his wife, so cooking, cleaning, washing and everything else are privileges not rights.Till then let us relate as friends and not expect things from each other. What happened to true love anyway?”

Understanding Jenny

Since I was a small kid, I have always had a picture of my dream guy, but this person sitting across me in a restaurant was nowhere near that. But my heart was racing and I didn’t know what to expect. I watched him as he held his head between his hands. He always did this whenever he felt helpless or angry. I was not sure which it was.

“What do you want Jenny? Because I am tired of this shit,” He said quietly without looking up. I stared at my coffee. Suddenly having hot drinks around us seemed like a bad idea. We should have ordered juice instead because if it got to the point of pouring drinks at each other, at least juice wouldn’t get anyone to the emergency room. I added sugar and started to stir my coffee. What did I really want? That is the question I have been asking myself for the past six months. I could feel his eyes burning through me. I needed to give him an answer.

“I don’t know Aaron.” I whispered.

“What do you mean you don’t know?” he exploded. Now he was really angry. We definitely should have ordered juice. This was going to get ugly. I took a sip of my coffee then looked at him. His nostrils were flaring, his eyes were blazing and his hands were closed into fists. His normally calm and pleasant demeanor was gone. There was no kindness in his eyes.  “What do you mean Jenny that you do not know?” I saw the people on the table across ours looking at us.

“Just that, I do not know.” I was nervous. I could feel tears at the corners of my eyes. I blinked as hard as I could.

“Oh! You do not know! Now you do not know! Really now Jenny, really?” He shouted. I saw everyone in the restaurant staring at us.

“Keep your voice down Aaron, people are staring at us.”

“Oh! People are staring at us! Oh, now we care about what people think, do we? If you gave half a crap what people thought about you, we wouldn’t be in this situation right now. I’m done with this shit. I am going to make this real easy for you.” He got up, stormed his way through the restaurant dismantling a few tables along his path and walked out. I stared at my coffee. At that moment I wished the ground would open up and swallow me alive. I stood up and walked towards one of the waiters. I could feel people’s eyes burning their marks into the back of my head. I felt blood draining out of my face.

“Sorry for that mess,” I said in a low voice. I could feel tears at the corners of my eye. Oh God do not let me cry, not in front of this waiter and this entire restaurant. I blinked hard. “How much is our bill?”

“That will be a thousand shillings madam.” He said in a toneless voice. If this waiter had seen or heard anything he sure was being a professional. I opened my purse took out a crispy one thousand shilling note, handed it to him and quickly walked out of the restaurant. I started walking downtown towards our office building where I had left my car. It was cold and windy outside as it was about to rain. Rain is the last thing I needed today. This town gets crazy whenever it rains. People were walking hurriedly past me but I was not in a mood to rush. I could feel emotions welling up inside me as I thought about what Aaron had said.

What did I really want? Aaron was what every single Nairobi woman is looking for. I do not mean as an opinion but as a fact. He was featured in Style magazine among ‘Nairobi’s top 10 most eligible bachelors.’

I remembered the first time he walked into my office. He was wearing a black pair of jeans and a white polo shirt. He was six feet tall, dark, had a well formed bone structure, broad shoulders and a toned body. He had warm, sexy, mysterious dark brown eyes, a delicate nose, a chiseled jaw and full lips. I thought he was the most gorgeous man I had ever seen. At that time I had no idea who he was. He was looking for someone to help him do his taxes and give him advice on investing and had seen my sign on the building. 

“I am sorry Mr. Mwangi but you have to book an appointment. I do not know how my assistant let you in without my permission but I am extremely busy and I like to plan my work. So book an appointment with her and she will fit you in my schedule.” I told him calmly as I escorted him towards the door. “Carol could you please book an appointment for this gentleman as soon as possible because he has a tax issue. Push the investments clients to later. Oh, and when you are done I would like to see you.” I smiled at him then closed my door. A few minutes later Carol walked into my office.

“Yes Miss Matthews you wanted to see me,” she said.

“Yes Carol, why did you let that gentleman into my office without asking me first.”

“Sorry, he is a very important person I thought you would want to see him immediately.”

“What do you mean important? Is he the president?”

“O. M. G.  Jenny do not tell me you have no idea who Mr. Mwangi is. Aaron Mwangi of Leaf Group.” She said passionately as her eyes lit up. “Aaron Mwangi. He was in last year’s top 40 under 40. He is a self made millionaire with several companies and his net worth is currently nine hundred million dollars according to Wikipedia. He was in captain of the industry feature that was in Nation last month… and on top of that he is only thirty four. How do you not know Aaron?” Her eyes were wide open and she was gesturing wildly.

“I know Leaf Group; I just do not know Mr. Mwangi. I can see you are on a first name basis with him.” I burst out laughing as I did a mock standing ovation and Mexican wave.

“Of course, I could be future Mrs. Aaron Mwangi would I go around being all formal?” She smiled then burst out laughing.

“Okay, ‘future Mrs. Aaron Mwangi,’ as you are on first name basis, when is he coming for consultation?”

“Thursday 10 a.m.”

“Okay. That is good. Anyway let me get back to work." I said in a matter-of-fact tone and turned to my computer as Carol stood up and walked out.

That was two years ago. It seemed like a long time ago and now here we are. What did I want? Aaron was kind, funny, honest, charming and generous. He had strong convictions and he was always calm and pleasant but could be badass when need arose. He was the ideal guy, tall, dark, handsome, hard working and successful. Was the ideal what I wanted? Yes he is flawed like he snorts when he laughs, he is always pessimistic, can be extremely moody and selfish at times but hey who is perfect? Other than that, Aaron was a great boyfriend and friend. But was he really what I wanted?

I got to K Street, crossed the road and entered our office buildings. I took the elevator to my office. It was already 4 p.m. and I was just looking forward to some peace and quiet. I found Carol was already gone. I was grateful because dealing with her questions was the last thing I needed. As if on cue my phone beeped and I removed it from my purse and saw it was a text from Carol. I did not bother to read it but put it back in my purse. I stared at the street outside and watched as people ran along the pavements and traffic became worse and more stagnant. It had already started raining. Trust people to panic over a little downpour.

I sat down and stared at the pile of papers on top of my desk. What did I want? Why was I constantly hurting Aaron? For the past six months we had been constantly fighting. We couldn’t seem to agree on anything. I was extremely mean to him. I was always having spats with him in public. I had humiliated him enough times in public. I had destroyed his car in one of those fights, there was a time I burnt all his clothes. For the past six months I had featured in more paparazzi pictures, blogs and gossip columns than ‘The Kardashians’. I was always spotted fighting with Aaron or walking out in rage from the many social events we went on together. Blogs were already offering Aaron advice to dump me, some vilifying me for being a drama queen and immature. At times I was the inspiration subject for some radio station topics.

All those times Aaron forgave me. This latest drama however I was not so sure.

I had been caught on camera kissing another man. That was last night in a certain club in Westlands. Yes, I had been caught kissing Charles, my ex boyfriend Charles. Aaron was completely aware of my history with Charles. Charles was those kind of ex boyfriends who left a bad taste in your mouth. God, what was going through Aaron’s mind right now?

I started to recall last night’s events. I had not been talking to Aaron for the past three weeks and when I went out with my girlfriends I got so drunk and wild. I remembered bumping into Charles and we started catching up, next thing I knew I was kissing him. I remembered sobering up, calling my cab guy and asking him to take me home. I was upset and angry. I did not bother to tell my girlfriends when I left. I was confused. I cried in the cab till I got home.

How could I have kissed Charles? Charles was a jerk. How could I have betrayed Aaron in that manner? I hated myself at that moment.  When I got home, I wanted to call Aaron but what would I tell him after a week of silence? ‘Hey, I kissed my ex boyfriend; the jerk, remember him?’ I decided against it. He did not need to know. Ignorance is bliss after all. Good Lord, I missed Aaron. Three weeks of not talking to him, was killing me. I got into bed and cried the whole night. My life was a mess and it was entirely my fault because of my childish drama. I slept at 4 a.m. contented that Aaron would never know. However, when I woke up at 7 a.m. today and I logged onto the internet there was my photo all over Twitter trending…#SluttyJenny. I wanted to die. How was Aaron going to react when he saw this? I hate social media: so much for ignorance.

I recalled how when I first dating Aaron I had so much emotional baggage thanks to Charles. I had been single for three years and now this gorgeous, kind man who all the women in Nairobi were dying to marry was interested in me. I had so much pain and emotional scars I doubted he would have the patience to stick around and help me through it. If he was like every guy I had encountered in my life he would stick around three months, tops.  Aaron was patient; he supported me and worked hard to earn my trust and confidence. Aaron was not the guy I would normally date. I was used to exciting bad boys who owned motor cycles. Aaron was the opposite, he was laid back, calm, introverted and did not own a motor cycle but he owned a ranch in Kitui. He may not be what I wanted but he is what I needed. Suddenly the thought of losing Aaron scared me. I replayed our conversation in the restaurant after we sat down and ordered our drinks.

“Jenny did you sleep with Charles last night?” he had asked in a gruff voice.

“Does it matter?” I replied calmly.

“What do you mean does it matter?”

“I am not happy Aaron. Look at us, we are constantly fighting. We can’t even agree on which movie to watch at TRM or anywhere for that matter. So does it matter if I did or did not sleep with him?”

“It does.”

“Oh, please spare me. We are two different people. We are opposite poles. I thought we could work things out but the more I stick in this relationship, the more it suffocates me.”

“Suffocate?” he growled

“Yes suffocate. You just not my type, Aaron.”

“So who is your type? Charles, the bad boy?” he said sarcastically.

“Oh screw you Aaron and your ‘two-missy-good-shoes’. You think you are perfect? You annoy me with your perfectionism and you chew too loud. In fact, to be honest, I do not think I like being your girlfriend.” No sooner had I said this than I knew I had truly broke the proverbial camel’s back. Aaron looked down and held his head between his hands. He was quiet and was clearly weighing his next words.

“What do you want Jenny. Because I am tired of this shit.” He said quietly without looking up.

Thinking about it, why was I was so rude and cocky with him? If only I would have told him how sorry I am. If only I would have apologized for last night and told him how terrible I felt after kissing Charles. If only I would have answered him straight and let him know I did not have sex with Charles. I felt tears streaming down my cheeks. I wanted to apologize for the past six months. How could I have been so stupid? Aaron loved me. He adored me. All this fighting had been my entire fault, I now realized. I am addicted to drama. Getting along with a boyfriend is not what I am used to. I am used to fighting and arguing; throwing things, burning stuff, breaking electronics and windows. With Aaron we got along, there was nothing major to fight about. He was kind, loyal and fun to be with. I am just those kind of women who are addicted to drama and intensity in relationships.

Aaron is not intense. He’s not a cheat so you cannot smash all the windows on his car or scratch it. He is very respectful; so you cannot start a war over him ogling at a waitress in a restaurant. What was wrong with me? Am I a hopeless-intense-drama-addict that I could not function in a normal relationship?  Hot tears flowed down my cheeks. Aaron is calm and collected. He is a gentleman. I could not afford to lose him not after two years. He was my world and I was his. I needed to call him and apologize and tell him I never slept with Charles and all the fighting was my fault and I want us to work things out. I may be a drama addict but I can go for counselling or therapy and work on my issues.

Aaron is good for my health. I do not have to wonder if he’s lying about a business trip to sleep with his secretary because he is honest. We do not have to fight about cooking when am tired because he knows it is okay for a man to cook for his woman. It will not make him less masculine if he cooks or cleans. I needed help but I wanted to work on my issues with Aaron supporting me and cheering me on. My dream guy is someone to fight with all the time but with Aaron we do not fight because he is a lover.

 I heard my office door open. I looked up and saw Aaron. “I thought I would find you here”

“I am so sorry Aaron.” I said rushing towards him. “I never slept with Charles. I felt so terrible after kissing him I went home. I am so sorry. I am sorry for the past six months.  I am sorry for all the drama.” I said as tears rolled down my cheeks. He took me in his arms and hugged me tight. It felt familiar it felt like home. This is what I want. I want Aaron with his perfectionism and snort laughter. I want to roll my eyes at him whenever he complains that the table isn’t perfectly aligned with the carpet. That is all I want. I want him because right now he is hugging me instead of insulting me. I could smell his cologne and felt safe in his arms. “I want you Aaron Mwangi. I want only you. No one else can do it for me. I am so messed up but I am willing to work on that and make us work. Please, I am so sorry.”

He disentangled from me and looked into my eyes. “I’m sorry Jenny but you were right. We are very different people. I have tried too hard to make us work but I just cannot do this anymore. I just came here to return your clothes and other stuff from my place. I missed you at your house and thought I would find you here. I am so sorry.” He turned on his heel and walked away.