Musings of a Catholic girl

Dating as a Roman Catholic is one of the toughest things to do in this modern age. The church has so many teachings and doctrines. Seeing that many Christians embrace “scripture alone” concept, as a catholic it is difficult to explain the concept of tradition, history, magisterium and natural law all as part of teaching. The thing I love about being catholic though, is that it occasionally offers the perfect excuse to blow off guys, especially the ‘savedies’ who have made it their purpose to convert every Catholic they date into a ‘christian’.

The bells in your head are ringing but his handsome face,gentlemanly behavior got you sprung like a puppy; and doesn’t his knowledge of the Bible just make him so much more attractive? It is all fun and games then he declares that Catholics worship idols. 

You get into terminator mode, guns blazing programmed to kill and bury this excuse of a relationship.

“Watch your step brother! How dare you claim that the Holy Mass, which happens to be the highest form of worship on earth, is paganism; what are you implying? That my family and all the 1 billion plus Catholics are pagans? Just because you can quote a few Bible verses you think you are an expert? 

And just so you know this ‘pagan’ church through the Council of Hippo in 393 A.D. gave you that Bible. You are welcome earth! Besides I can’t marry someone who disrespects the Virgin Mary like that.” Does this conversation sound familiar anyone?

Sometimes though you meet that great guy who loves the fact that you go to mass and pray the rosary often. He thinks Saint Joseph is totally cool. He gets your obsession with visiting the Vatican and he respects your view on evolution, salvation and wine. You definitely hit the jackpot girl.

Notice he said wine, not vodka or brandy you idiot!

However there is that extra thing you have to discuss. Green sex. If there is one thing I have struggled with as a catholic is the issue of contraceptives. This is where dating as a catholic becomes complicated. Having to explain to your boyfriend that you have no intention of using pills, IUD, patches, condoms or any form of artificial contraception once you are married is one of the trickiest conversations you will ever have in your life. Please note that you explicitly refused to move into his house before marriage, you have refused to have a civil wedding at the AGs, now "ati no contraceptives?"

“Natural Family Planning,” you calmly reply.

“You mean hiyo story ya kucount safe and unsafe days?” he asks bewildered.

“Not exactly, but close.”

“Si we know exactly how unreliable that is, right? What if we end up with ten kids?”

”I know but science has made it possible for the accuracy levels to be much higher am talking 99% here and besides aren’t we supposed to be open to life?”

“Okay how about withdrawal?”

“No withdrawal either, because to contracept is to willfully exclude the possibility of a conception that could result from a sexual act and withdrawal does exactly that, you have already compromised the integrity of the marital act.”

“Okay so how is Natural Family Planning different?” he asks now completely amused.

“Okay NFP is different coz it allows the act to remain open to the possibility of transmitting new life, which is part of its natural purpose. Besides children are like flowers, you can never have too many of them.”

“So you mean if we don’t want too many flowers we are going to have chill in marriage?”

“Exactly,” you reply excitedly.

 “Interesting,” he replies absentmindedly.

“I know, I can’t wait for us to hustle together, taking temperatures, observing fertility symptoms, keeping a fertility calendar in our bedroom and periods of abstinence when we are dying to have each other,” the excitement all over your voice is palpable.

 You want do a ‘My-boyfriend-is-on-board-with-NFP’ dance but you control yourself instead and make a mental note of the theme of your wedding.

 “Okay,” he says in a flat tone.

“So when we do get engaged, I suggest we start those NFP classes immediately so that by the time we get married, we know we are good to go. We need at least 8 months of practice to know exactly how to go about it and during those 8 months we have to be abstinent for the sake of accuracy.”

“So you can’t compromise on this contraceptive thing?”

“No, you do know the church considers it gravely sinful and besides we have so many methods of NFP that are as good as those artificial ones, furthermore we can’t have as many kids as we want, we are not rabbits. It is prudent to plan our family based on our emotional, social and financial capabilities; if we are to be responsible parents. It’s going to be fun.”

“Okay sweetheart I hear you,” he says and kisses your forehead. You can feel the butterflies and your heart races. You hug him and your heart swells with love for him. This guy gets you. 18 months later and you still have that chemistry. On your matatu ride home, you upload a photo on Instagram of you and bae.

with a battalion of hash tags #myboyfriendisbetterthanyours #trueloveforever #cutie #funtimes #awesomestcouple #javacoffeehouse #pizzawithbae #loveninjas… …etc.

You get home and you feel like cooking something new. Looking through your recipe book and you settle for Chicken Creole; it apparently only takes 20 minutes to cook and it sure does look good.

 It’s now 8 p.m. and you are in the kitchen preparing your ingredients. You can’t wait to be done, take a picture and send to bae via Whatsapp flaunting your culinary skills. After all how many women does he know who can make chicken creole and perfect round chapatis? He’s going to be so lucky to have you as a wife. Your phone buzzes, it’s a text from him. You can’t help but think how in-sync you are because he was also thinking about you. You open the text:

“Hi after much thought I decided that your demands are too much, I want to be able to have sex in marriage, whenever I want. The idea of chilling most of our married life since the unsafe days outweigh the safe days doesn’t appeal to me very much. I am so sorry to do this. Wish you the very best.”

Yes, who said being catholic is easy? Just because we like to drink wine moderately doesn't make it easy.

Note: This article is intended for entertainment purposes only and should by no means be used as an explanation of the Roman Catholic faith and morality of the issues discussed.