I love you; those are words I hear a lot. Parents to
children, children to their parents, friends, siblings, dating and married
couples all use it. We go further and use it for food, movie stars, musicians,
experiences and places. We also say we love God. We love all these. What
exactly do we mean by that?
In my opinion this has to be one of the most fruitless
inquiries in the history of mankind. There is no one definition of what love
is. It has been my experience that when people say they love someone or
something, they mean it in very different ways and that most of those have an
element of selfish behind them. I may be wrong but then again I think not.
Just listen to one of those wedding shows at the section
where the couple describes how they first met and what they like most in each
other. Usually it involves what one can get from the other, not really about
the individual for themselves. Even we love God because he has been good to us,
because he has given us and all that. This in my opinion explains many cases of
divorces and backsliding. When our expectations are disappointed then ‘love’
vanishes into thin air. The idea of love these days is someone or something
that satisfies our own self most.
But then again, is it wrong to be selfish? Not entirely. We
as humans need others to survive. Any meaningful relationship between humans
will have to be a give and take. This will work as long as each party does
their part. To be happy and fulfilled we need others. To be loved we must also
dare to love. We must be willing to give ourselves, to trust and to be
vulnerable. It is when we are not able and willing to give ourselves that
‘love’ becomes selfish. It is when we want to enjoy others without paying the
cost that in my opinion leads to people concluding that Love is a myth.
If an artist I love is coming to town and I want to see them,
I must be willing to pay the fare and entry fees to go see them. I must be
ready to pay for an event or experience I ‘love’, if not I should question
myself on whether I really love them as I claim. If I want to live a good life
I know I must work hard to get it. What then makes me think I can enjoy a
person without paying the full cost?
To not be labeled an idealist, I realize and acknowledge that
loving a person is not as simple as a favourite concert or pizza. However, the
rationale is the same. To enjoy someone we must be willing to pay the price
which is also being ready for them to enjoy us. If we are not ready then, we do
not love them, we are being selfish and we should respect them enough to let
them go.
To further illustrate my thinking, here are a couple of
questions. What would we do if our spouses were incapacitated, could not have
kids, lost their job, lost their good looks or were not so interesting anymore?
What would we do if God had us go through what Job or Joseph went through? What
if we became more successful than our friends and we do not need them anymore?
What if our siblings betray us?
The most natural response is to run, to quit. But Love
demands we stay. If we really love, we have to say and fight. Once love has
been tested and passed through fire, the end result is the most fulfilling
thing in the world.
But finally, I do not have a single definition for love.
Whatever the relationship or connection, if it is mutual, sincere and ready to
stand the tests, then its headed in the direction.
Real love is tested love. That is my verdict!!
