Because fathers are important too

Have you ever thought about asking the man you are dating if he has ever had his baby aborted or experienced a miscarriage? Of late this song Nerea has been on my mind because I finally got to listen to it some few days ago, which brought me to the thought. As women we have become very empowered with decisions regarding our bodies. When a woman decides to have an abortion is the man’s opinion ever sought? Does a man have a say in the abortion decision? Yes it is your body. But it is his baby. When a miscarriage happens, is there a support group for dads? Are we even able to recognize the signs of post abortion trauma in men? Is there a support group for men who suffer from post abortion trauma?

What goes through a man’s mind when his partner informs him she’s pregnant? While fatherhood is instinctual, it has to be learnt. Motherhood comes a bit more naturally. The moment you see the positive sign on that test and your ob/gyn confirms you are indeed pregnant, your life has changed forever. If you are the drinking and smoking type, you have to give up alcohol and cigarettes immediately. If you are a party animal, no more dancing till the sun comes up. Your body starts to change especially the fatigue you get in the first trimester, the weight gain, if you unlucky the morning sickness. Suddenly you have this person taking over your body, competing for nutrients and energy. Soon you start to feel the kicking even at odd hours of the night and you realize, your life is no longer your own. By the time the baby is born you are so used to making sacrifices and being uncomfortable you hardly notice it. Now for men you do not have to sacrifice anything till the baby is born. You can keep drinking, partying etc. until the baby is born or you can even keep going even after the baby comes along. The first few months of a baby’s life, she is entirely dependent on mum for life and dad can take a back seat.

While I laud single mothers, I feel choosing to become a single mother is utterly selfish. The single mothers who deliberately choose to do it alone. I am talking about the single woman who felt her biological clock was ticking, took matters into her own hands and had a baby with a ‘friend’ then agreed or forced the guy to give up his parental rights. I am talking about the single woman who had a one-night stand and would not look for the guy and inform him of his pending fatherhood status, she instead figured “I can do this on my own”. I am talking about the single woman who went to a sperm bank and had an insemination because her time was up. I am talking about the single woman or divorcee who is now too busy ‘punishing’ the guy by denying him access to see his child because he hurt her so bad and what better way to get even than deny him the joy of fatherhood.

There are single mothers by circumstances (death, abuse, he refused to take responsibility etc.). That is not who my post is about today. There are also single fathers by circumstance who nobody ever mentions on Mother’s day for playing the double role of mum and dad. Heck in our society only women matter thanks to gender equality. While I am pro-gender equality, I think gender equality is the root of all our problems. In fact using the word gender is the reason we have become numb to our differences and similarities as men and women. The correct word we should use is sex. Male and female. You need male and female, ovum and sperm to sire a child.

I am lucky that both my parents are alive. As a child I remember my father teaching me how to ride a bike, pick passion fruits from the strange passion vine that grew behind our house, drive car tyres with sticks, dig up cassavas; he even taught me how to play Msogoro (a game that involved a tin, maize cobs and stones). Now in the same period my mother bought me dolls, taught me how to comb my hair and hold it in pigtails, basic cooking and setting a table for a meal. Fast forward to teenage and dad would not let me walk out of the house in tight jeans while mum was a bit more accommodative of my fashion styles. Thanks to Dad, I have a healthy sense of adventure, risk taking, self-worth and great self-esteem. There is something about the awkward moments when he acknowledges I look great after agonizing hours at the salon. Thanks to Mom I am in touch with my emotions, independent, strong and fun. There is something about her telling me to stop worrying so much.

It is marriage and parenting that makes you realize that men and women are made to complement each other. We scream that ‘what a man can do, a woman can do too’. There are a lot of things I am naturally good at as a woman; that no matter how much a man tried he can’t be as good and vice versa. So no matter how hard I try I cannot think like a man, I cannot act like a man, I cannot become a man, I cannot be a husband and most importantly I cannot be a dad. Why? Because I am a woman. I can only love like a woman. I can only provide motherly love. He is a man. He can only love like a man and provide fatherly love. A mother cannot love like a father and a father cannot love like a mother.

So to all the single mums by choice, parenthood is not about you. Parenthood is about what is best for the child. Why deny your child fatherly love? You cannot decide it’s your time to be a mom and hence dad and men in general can kiss your ass. If you are contemplating being a single mom the modern way, aka sperm rob, sperm agreement, sperm bank etc… just ask yourself is it really worth bringing in another fatherless child into this world? You really want to be a mom and have so much love to give? Adopt, that way you create a solution not a problem. If you are a single mom and the guy wants to get involved why be self-centered? Fathers are important. Daughters need their fathers and sons need their fathers. So stop being selfish and get a working plan that enables your child to be able to see their dad. Do not allow your child to be caught up in the middle of your shenanigans, they are innocent. You cannot be mum and dad: you can’t love like dad. You can only be mum because (I hate to burst your bubble) you are a woman. So take a hard look at yourself in the mirror. Is it really worth it? Will you really be happy when your child is teased about being fatherless when you had or have the power to prevent it? Will you be happy when his heart breaks every Father’s day because he is reminded of his longing for a father’s guidance when you refused dad to be a part of your lives? Will you be happy when she has baggage and is looking for a father figure in her dates when you had the power to prevent it? You cannot and will never love like a father. You do not have to be with him, but let go of all the pain, get off your high horse, swallow your pride and let him be a part of his or her life if he is willing and wants to be a dad.

PS: This Father’s day I want to applaud all the single dads out there. The dads who fought tooth and nail to be part of their children lives even if it meant lengthy and expensive court cases. The dads who prevented and spoke up against an abortion and are now grateful they did. The guy who called her out on her bullshit when she wanted to do it alone and came up with a working plan. The guy who fought for custody to prevent his children from being raised by an abusive and negligent mother. The single guy who recognizes fatherhood begins in the womb and goes for those prenatal visits and is empowering himself with knowledge on what to expect when labour kicks in and bundle of joy arrives. Even though it doesn’t come as easily; it’s worth it. Happy Father’s Day.