1278 words on marriage...

Many of my girlfriends plan to get married by 2017. That will be two years after campus. Majority of us will be in the age bracket of 24-28. While it is good to aspire to marriage I can’t help but detect a hint of rushing. What is so terrible about being 30 and single? Why do women struggle to change their marital status to married by 30? What exactly happens at 30 that nobody wants to celebrate their 30th birthday as a single lady? 30 is not really then end of life. It’s not like menopause starts at 30. Neither do wrinkles or old age. So why the rush?  Why is it that men have no issues being 30 and single?

People have no idea how complicated marriage is. If your boyfriend cheated on you, you will kick him out of your life faster than he can say sorry. If your husband (for-better-or-worse-till-death-do-you-part) cheated on you while you are on a career break with triplets in your hands and a mortgage to be paid will you do the same? I bet you are yelling yes. But marriage is not that simple. Marriage is more than just status. It is the joining of two lives. Everything in marriage is exaggerated. One of the leading causes of divorce is finances. Love is apparently supposed to conquer everything even being broke but somehow couples split up because they cannot agree on money. People fight about finances to the point that someone prefers divorce so that the court can decide on a standard amount of alimony and child support to be paid. That way he does not have to deal with arguing with his partner on spending habits or reveal all his financial secrets.

Now back to this 2017 business. 2017 will be two years after campus. Isn’t that the best time to be single? Two years after campus will be the time you have started to figure your way through the career ladder, you will no longer be the fresh naïve graduate who does not understand the politics & power dynamics in the office. If you are very lucky, you will be joining lower level management at your workplace. You will finally be getting your money right and if you are the saving type, you will have quite an amount in your bank account. Now more money in your bank account means more financial freedom. Financial freedom equals freedom to make financial mistakes, freedom to take risks, freedom to party like a working class for example take road trips and visit different towns. If you are married by then, you will have to cut down on the fun and financial risk-taking and invest in solid investments for your future because we know two thirds of babies conceived are unplanned. 

Now before you go ahead and call me shallow and immature. I believe if you postpone these things, you are setting yourself up for a pathetic midlife crisis. While midlife crisis is unavoidable. A pathetic midlife crisis involves old people losing their minds and start to do foolish things like partying with and dating 20 year olds, spending money on thoughtless stuff among other disasters; adventures they should have had in their twenty’s. Every person should enjoy their youth to a point where they are fed up and are content to leave their youth behind and pave way to new things, women especially. Marriage is tough and it is sad to see an immature person get married because it is an institution that requires some level of maturity to be successful. People develop at different rates and while some people are ready to get married at 23, some are better off staying single till they are in their 30s.

Marriage is responsibility. Three quarter of the current male population in Kenya still have the belief that taking care of the home is the sole business of his wife. These men have no intention of approaching marriage as a partnership. For them his wife will be something close to a maid. He has no intention of doing house chores while his wife relaxes because that is apparently unmanly. The average guy will probably never change diapers either or soothe the baby to sleep at 3 a.m. as you catch some much needed sleep. Now since majority of my girlfriends believe in being submissive and all that, why they are keen to get into such an arrangement two years after campus beats me. It’s already scary enough paying rent, electricity, water bills, mortgage, HELB loan, and at the same time investing and saving for your future among other things. Now add for better or worse dynamic on top of all that; and you have the recipe for a mental break down right there.

I find it ironic that men are usually the ones who are keen to postpone marriage for as long as possible yet reality is men can have it all. For a woman, it is next to impossible to have it all. If you spend too much time in the office you will probably be a terrible mother hardly seeing your children. If you become a good mother and wife you will probably have to slow down on the career progression until your children are all grown up. It’s a tradeoff for most women. Then add the being submissive and housekeeping dynamics and you realize women should have more reasons to postpone marriage.

For my girlfriends who plan to get married by 2017 though, here are a few tips: one just because your best friend is getting married in 2017 it doesn’t mean you should. She has probably dated her boyfriend since they were 8 while you my dear girl are single so keep that in mind as you validate your dreams. 

Two if a man tells you he wants to be married in 2027 you best believe him, you will not change his mind about it and make him walk down the aisle in 2017. So be patient till 2027 or cut your losses and look for a man who has the desire to be married to you in 2017 as well. 

Three failing to plan is planning to fail. If you want to get married in the next two years, you should be seriously dating right now. Stop hooking up with your ex-boyfriend who blows hot and cold. Cut that man loose. He is way too immature to start courting let alone get married. Stop infatuating over the “dream-guy” who put you in the friend zone. You are not his dream girl and you never will be. So accept and move on. While love is great, love is not sufficient to make a marriage work. If you are incompatible you are incompatible. No point getting married with a lump in your throat. 

Four, desperation is a terrible trait. Learn to enjoy your own life. Develop hobbies and make a life for yourself. Also not every relationship is supposed to end up in marriage so do not coerce or manipulate a man into marrying you. The best kind of commitment is the one that people grow into and there is nothing wrong with being the single woman among your clique. Being single is hard but trust me it is probably the best season in your life so enjoy it while it lasts and stop this 2017 madness. Get married when the time is right, the person is right and the place is right.

PS: Do not invite me to your wedding committees if it involves contributing money. Please live below your means and throw a wedding you can afford. Best wishes.